fat girl in a little seat

For any of you punk rockers it is kinda like big lizard in my back yard!

So I went to my nieces sing off over the weekend and it was fabulous.  One exception. Well truth is I should have known better.  We arrived.  I decided I would just stand with Lilla Mae but, my family motioned over that they had “one more seat.”  Not one more seat made for a 7 year old…. not a seat for someone under 100 lbs at best. Just one free seat.   Needless to say as I sat, I wished I had gone with my option to stand.  I told my friend that I walk weekly with, I did not move, and it pretty much felt like an hour long squat.  It was a self-concious girls nightmare, a midget seat and with a full length wall mirror beside me.  Silent night on the piano never seemed so long.  When I finally got up, about an hour later, my legs were cramped and throbbing from the hour long squat.  Uggh.  I just wanted to be supportive….. and well supported by my chair.  Wow, I never knew these would be the things that consume my mind.  I remember when I thought I had to lose weight in college and I was under 150 lbs.  Oh, what I would do to be 150 lbs.  I know.  I know.  Eucharisto.  [Help me see the gift in this.  Help me see the good gift!] Thankfulness, no matter what.  Maybe next time.  I would not have missed it for the world.  But I had know idea what a test it would be…

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repeat street

every weekend.  every stinking weekend.  i go thru the same thing.  second verse same as the first.  at some point I am eating, thinking about eating, or have just eaten…. something that I wish I had not…. and the response is always.  MONDAY, just that sweet and upcoming MONDAY… I am gonna hit the books, the ground running (literally), I am going to not eat, really be in check, keep a food journal, become a vegetarian, only eat seafood, be at the track every morning, walk for an hour a day… and this record can play on and play up!  But today I was thinking if I had lost one pound for every weekend I have said that.  Well, lets just say there would be no record to fix!  My friend Alex and I had a great chat on Friday in the grocery store.  Alex has just recently lost 50 lbs juicing and also struggles with food addiction.  As we talked about how it is so hard to see it as an addiction, and even harder to treat… because you have to eat, he said something that along with many other things completely clicked!!

It is an issue of self-control.


I give it room.  Because it deserves room.  Um, yeah.  It is an issue of self-control.  Really whether you deal with it as a person overeating…. or as someone who is not eating, over exercising or purging.  My friends that struggle with anorexia and bulimia all say it is a control thing for them in their struggles as well.  So I am currently looking into self-control.  The psychology of it.  The relation of it to food.  I guess it is different or maybe not even important to most.  All these things I see as pieces to the puzzle.  I see that anyone can lose weight to some degree…. but here is the test and the crusher!  Can you keep it off?  I never want to see 200 pounds again. And if you have not heard it from me in person I would rather be fat and continue to figure out what I really have to do to lose it and keep it off- than I would to EVER lose it and gain it back again.  This is me speaking.  I am not speaking it for you or for anyone that has lost weight to gain it back again.  I, Mandy Blair Dexheimer, never want to lose a hundred pounds to gain it back again.  Not even half of it.  It is just simply and really how I feel….. but, I would like to lose it and I am not.  I did not hardly eat three days this week.  I really feel like throwing in the towel on even the walking 10 miles a week and trying to consciously eat.  There is no doubt to me at this point, that this is not something that I can do on my own.  I know everything in my head, is the sad thing.  I absolutely, at this point know what to do…. and I am not choosing it for myself.  I know there is a reason- but, I really don’t know why.  On ward.  I will not give up.  I will do this.  I will know what it looks like for me and I will find my peace.  Pray for me if you will.

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welcome back. welcome back. welcome back.

Well……………………………………….. it would be nice if I could tell you that we have so much to catch up on.  But, tis not true.  I am walking.  I am eating.  Some weeks are good, others not so good.  My hernia is exacerbated by too much exercise or strain so I feel like I have walked off as much weight as I am going to.  I am in a rut.  I need to move more I need to eat less.  Still the same analysis as the beginning of the journey.  I am disappointed to not report a huge change.  I am disappointed to not be in a completely different place.  There are days I feel like I have not gotten anywhere.  There are days where I feel like I have failed myself.  Days that I feel like I have failed my Dad…… I always have an injury holding me back.  So the days I can get over myself I still have a very really huge hernia staring me in the face.  I think Bob harper could cure what ales me, so why can’t I .  I am back to the point after 3 months of faithful walking of asking if it is my eating more than anything else.  Here we go homies.  I am not giving up.  Stay with me!

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Left out in the cold.

Readers….. faithful readers!  Thank you for allowing me to leave you out in the cold these last few weeks.  I have been growing, breathing, slowing, and my laptop has been out of commission.  I am back.  Look for a new post this week.  Thanks for sticking around.  We have a lot to catch up on….

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Everybody’s workin’ for the weekend!

I have not had an overwhelming amount of knowledge to share lately.  We have also had a sick household and my body is still on strike as far as dropping pounds.  A few here and there but still in a holding pattern.  I feel so nice and strong however so I know that my hard work and major miles are paying off in some way.  We went for a family walk on Monday, we try to do that every week and I remember when we first started after Obi it was like pulling teeth.  As we walked Monday I felt strong, determined, and confident in my success.  I will have to take that for now as I plateau in weight loss and sometimes I believe we have to find new ways to measure our progress.  And the truth is I do not have a number or a size that I need to be.  I have energy goals.  I have strength goals and I want to lose the parts of my body that potentially will impede good health.  But there is no firm number for me.   I want to spend my entire vacation these next ten days walking and being aware of my intake.  We are going to walk every morning that we are in the mountains.  I am staying out of touch with everything that I might be in touch with my family and my choices.  I am going to be free of agendas and ideals that I can really look at what I am putting in and putting out there.  The more I invest in trying to understand my body, my cravings, my health I realize that awareness is super important.  Simple & stripped down…. diet, lifestyle, love.  It has gotten so easy to communicate and keep in touch with each other that it seems to have exploited true communication and contact.  We seem to be so concerned with the wrong things.  I am trying to change that in my life which has ment a lot of reality checks.  It defiantly has me constantly looking hard at my health and trying to fix this broken train one step at a time.  It is a full mind-body rebuild.  It is all connected in such a profound way.  I have had and still have a lot of growth to go.  It feels good to give the right things my attention and love.  I don’t know that it always makes sense to everyone else, but I also do not think it needs to.  Feels good to find the center.  There is only one thing that can heal and truly bring peace. AHHHHHH! (the sound of a brilliant observation)  Thanks for walking with me here.  I can’t wait to share my progress when I return.

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White Flag

I give. Done. You win. Finished. I surrender.  The strong thud of defeat!  And I will not lie, it is thick in my bones today.  As I pound down 2.5 miles of pavement gritting my teeth in frustration.  I swim.  I find out from my Dermatologist I am allergic to chlorine.  I do weights and resistance bands.  My hernia is killing me for days.  I walk: bumps, heat rash, heel spurs. UUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!  How is a girl supposed to stay motivated?  On to that lets add that after my first 40 lb. weight loss I have not lost a pound in almost 3 weeks.  Working out four & five days a week people.  Needless to say a little bit of discouragement has set in.  Listen, I can take pain with the best of them.  I can deal with my knees and my shoulder and the things that tick & creek because I am heavier than my body is made to endure… BUT ALLERGIC TO CHLORINE!  Honestly that is like me being told that I am allergic to paint.  I know I know it sounds dramatic, but water is a huge piece of me.  Not necessarily pool water but, when it comes to getting in and swimming a mile without a boat of people or a net around you…. and being able to swim year round… chlorine is kinda the option out there.  I don’t know.  I am not trying to be lame.  This is really the huge brick wall I have hit.  I am not going to use it as an excuse to quit but, I need to document the entire journey and unfortunately this is my reality these last few weeks.  No weight loss.  Lots of pain.  A hurdle every direction that I turn.  This is why when people look at someone and say, “If she is overweight then why doesn’t she just stop eating so much and start exercising.”  I am here to tell you right now that if I was not the stubborn and determined person that I am I would already have given up.  This weight loss thing for me right now really is like a job.  I have to be on top of it.  I cannot take my mind off of it.  I have to press on.  I cannot stop focusing for a second or else I will not win this battle. I am have been abusing my body with food in the past.  I have completely let my health, my athleticism, my nutrition go forgotten and by the wayside.  I am like an old dog learning new tricks again.  I really don’t want to give up.  I really am discouraged.  Good old-fashioned desire to give up.  When thing make that choice so much easier it is hard to resist the white flag.  Even strong people need to be encouraged.  Let me remind you that I count my Blessings.  My sight, my limbs, my mind, all these things that I have that allow me the beauty to “do” and achieve whatever I set my mind to.  I am grateful to be able to remind my body where we are going and head towards the goal.  But, I still get discouraged and I am sitting there today.  It is a hiccup.  But, it is real.

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Jesus don’t want me for a Sunbeam. Cause Sunbeams aren’t made to be like me.

Yes, Kurt they are!  I find myself thinking about many things this Friday morning! Thankfulness, how sometimes our Blessings do come through our tears & trials, and how I believe that God wants people just like Kurt Cobain for his Sunbeams.  Kurt has a song called “Jesus don’t want me for his Sunbeam.”  The truth is we are all messed up in the perfect way.  It is part of the grand scheme for our lives.  The untangling of that perfect mess.  If you don’t think you have a mess, check again and go ahead and throw out your anchor because there is likely a storm headed your way.  Parts of this go back to my previous post.  Our lessons and truths are in these storms…  our storms usually have something to do with our dragon slaying… and our slaying abilities are nothing short of a God who loves us.  I am watching so many people I love on their boats with a dragon.  I use to think it is tragic but now I begin to see it as a perfect gift.  A choice for trust.  A call to Faith.  And a chance for growth.  Kurt Cobains feeling of inadequacy to be a “sunbeam” is how we all feel at some very long point for me.  But WE are just what He wants.  After all He knows our beautiful mess better than anyone because He made us just the way we are. Not with the perfections that the world calls us to, not with what people consider to be right or wrong. We are wonderfully made in His image.  There is nothing, not a damn thing that we are or experience that He has not made for us.  We have choices in our struggles.  I seek to find everyday  those things which confuse me about myself or that I am not sure can be better.  Not because of someone else judgement on me or because a group of individuals tell me that it is wrong… but because I want to know my truth.  I want to know why I am here and seek to fulfill my purpose on this earth.  It is not a self-righteousness but a humility to understand that what I want and need is not what really matters.  I hate that we judge one another thinking that we know what someone elses truth should look like.  When they are EXACTLY what they should be.  Rather we should pray for one another and love and except where someone is walking and that they are on a journey very similar to ours.  The story is different but hopefully we are all trying to move through and figure out our truth.    Who are we to say what someone elses truth looks like, shouldnt we just be worried about our own?  If we spent less time looking to what others do wrong, say wrong & misrepresent in our opinions… and spent our time growing and learning ourselves… it would be a wonderful thing.  The truth is God can show us our ugliness like no one else can.  I hope that as we have a choice to look at what we see we will walk through it rather than be paralyzed by it, or pretend we don’t recognize it.  Yuck.  Has never been my idea of fun but it is so very necessary it we are to fulfill what is richly here waiting for us.  No one else can do what we are called to.  No one can put us on step five if we are still supposed to be on step one.  I personally do not feel that I am in charge of that journey for me.  Meaning the timing of it.  I am in charge of my choices.  My response.  My love for others.  I hope I never make anyone feel judged.  And I will not allow myself to be judged by others.  I am me.  I am not here to satisfy the world.  I am not here to satisfy people.  I am here to fulfill my promise.  I am still busy figuring it all out.

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